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Cat Who Stole Christmas by michelle zeman as told to lemony snicket Now dear Readers, my name is Lemony Snicket. My good friend Michelle asked me to write this story because she did not have the heart to tell it to you herself. You see, this is not your typical Christmas story filled with wooly mittens, cute little kittens and happiness galore. This is a very... dare I say, dreadful? tale. One that really shouldn’t be repeated during such a cheery time of year. So why I am telling it? you ask. Because my friend Michelle asked me to and tales should always be told truthfully, no matter how dour and depressing they may be. This is a tale of the unfortunate events which befell our hero on Christmas Eve... Our distressing story begins merrily enough with a small Siamese cat named Jeter. Jeter lived with his humans: Nicolle and Tim. Nicolle and Tim made the sad mistake that so many humans do- they named him after someone they admired – in this case, a famous baseball player. Sad, because everyone knows how terribly spoiled and self-centered baseball players are, particularly famous ones. Jeter took after his namesake with every fiber of his furry little being. As soon as Nicolle and Tim brought him home – he made it clear who was in charge. He took careful note of his surroundings. If one were smart enough to understand the language of cats, one would have heard him proudly claiming each room he entered “Mine, Mine. Mine.” He included Nicolle and Tim in this as well. He was not theirs. They were his. “And how lucky they were” Jeter thought. Jeter was also very handsome and very aware of it. He took every opportunity to clean himself. If one were brave or foolish enough to enter his house, they would likely find him posing. Now, this is where our tale begins it’s downward spiral into that maelstrom of woe and misery. Beware dear readers – there is still enough time to turn back. No? You want to continue? Oh, all right...but remember you have been warned... One day, much to Jeter’s horror – Nicolle and Tim brought a puppy home. A cute, adorable, loveable, huggable little puppy. It was enough to make a cat like Jeter, sick. How could they do this to him? This was his house – these were HIS humans. Of course, Jeter being the proud cat that he was- declined to show his feelings. Instead he mounted a silent protest by refusing to go downstairs. Eventually, the lure of his dinner and the realization that the puppy wasn’t leaving –brought an end to Jeter’s protest. He kept an eye on him though – oh yes. This was his house after all and who knew what damage the little pup would do. One small – the tiniest of bright spots in this cruel tale was that Nicolle and Tim had the good sense to name the puppy after Xander – a nerdy, self-effacing, cloyingly nice character on one of their favorite shows, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Fortunately for Xander, he too, took after his namesake. Time moved on as time does and Jeter eventually became accustomed to the new member of the household. To Jeter’s delight, Xander was often confined to a small crate in the den. Jeter remained the king of the upstairs. And best of all, he still had Nicolle and Tim all to himself every night, curling up in their bed- curling up into Nicolle’s hair. Before he knew it - it was Christmas time again. As the day grew closer, Jeter’s mood grew darker. He knew that Christmas time meant that more people would be coming to his house. It was bad enough that he had to live with a dog, but now more humans with their loud voices and intruding hands would be stomping through. If only there was a way to stop them from coming over. Then it occurred to him – as if a lightbulb went off on top of his handsome little head. If he could stop Christmas –then there would be no reason to come over. That’s it! For a clever cat like Jeter – this would be no problem. He closed his eyes, smiling as if he had just swallowed Big Bird. **************************************** Xander excitedly followed them around the room, sticking his nose into the boxes of decorations, full of wonder. Jeter reclined on the back of the sofa watching them carefully. He wondered if all humans became such sentimental fops at this time of year. Then Tim took a shiny star and headed to the tree. Jeter decided to make his move. He ran across the room leaping into the air like an acrobat, defying gravity by running up Tim’s body. For a moment the room seemed to freeze and move in slow motion. Jeter vaulted himself off of Tim’s chest in a backflip which would have kicked Keanu Reeves ass. Tim, not surprisingly, lost his balance and his grip on the star. He made a valiant grab for it but unfortunately tripped over Xander, who was also trying to help. Nicolle jumped forward shouting –“Nooooo!” Still in slow motion as Tim and Xander crashed into the tree, which promptly fell on top of both of them, ornaments shattering into millions of pieces around them. Jeter smiled
and went upstairs. Such fine work deserved a nap. **************************************** A delicious aroma wafted from the kitchen, and wound its way up the stairs, teasing Jeter’s little nose. He followed the mouthwatering scent to the kitchen. On top of the stove was a crock pot filled with Christmas stew. Jeter leapt to the top of the counter. Xander came running – excited to see what Jeter was up to. Jeter smiled a sneaky little smile. “Come here Xander, my old buddy old chum.” “Look at what Nicolle and Tim did – they left your dinner too high for you too reach. It’s lucky that you have me to look out for you.” Jeter swung
his tail round knocking the crock pot over, Christmas stew spilled
onto the floor. Xander, true to his name and species, happily lapped
it up, thinking only good thoughts of his friend. **************************************** “Wow – we are lucky to have such a nice day for Christmas.”, Tim said to Nicolle. Jeter winced. Even the weather was against him. Tim continued, “Remember that time when we had so much snow – no one could make it though for Christmas eve? Well we don’t have to worry about that his year!” As soon as they left the room, Jeter stood up, shook his fur and began prancing up and down in front of the window. He purred and meowed intently. Then he sat down again and watched. Soon the sun disappeared from the sky. Huge ominous clouds darkened the sky. Snow and ice pounded the trees and began filling the yard. Jeter watched with content. Later that evening, there was a knock on the door. Nicolle answered it. She saw a tall man in a long coat and a shorter woman with red hair. “Can I help you?” Nicolle asked. “Hello, sorry to bother you. I’m Fox Mulder and this is my partner Dana Scully. We are sorry to bother you on Christmas Eve but we are here to investigate this strange weather disturbance.” Nicolle said, “Well, the weather did turn fairly quickly to snow but it doesn’t seem all that extraordinary to me.” “The snow storm in itself isn’t extraordinary. The fact that it seems to be occurring only on your block is.” The man responded, his expression never changing. The woman added. “I myself am skeptical about most of my partner’s theories but in this case I have to agree that it is quite...odd.” “Odd.” the man echoed. Peering past Nicolle into the house. “Do you have a cat by any chance?” “Why do you ask?” “There have been documented cases in New Guinea, Tanzinia and Wisconsin of cats calling on some ancient power unknown to humans that allow them to control the weather.” “Uhhh..” Nicolle turned around to see Jeter’s tail disappearing quickly up the stairs. **************************************** Jeter smiled happily to himself. “Ha! I’ve done it. I’ve stopped Christmas.” If cats could chuckle, he would have chuckled. Then Jeter heard it. It was a strange noise coming from downstairs. Jeter’s ears perked up. He crept slowly down the stairs as the noise grew louder and louder. Soon he began to make out voices. Happy voices. Laughing and singing. Jeter couldn’t believe it. He peeked around the corner into the den... He stared in disbelief – eyes wide and ears back... John Denver and the Muppets were singing again....Sitting there in the den as if nothing had happened was Nicolle and Tim. They were on the floor with Xander. Xander was happily rolling around so they could rub his tummy. Jeter gasped. And they weren’t alone!..There was Mom and Jerry and Auntie Michelle and ....another dog!!! A disgustingly super happy dog – howling along to the music. And who was this? The two FBI agents? Still here? But wait! Jeter looked carefully at man’s expressionless face. Perhaps Jeter had a small success after all. Then Jeter saw that the man was tapping his foot to the music. “Damn!” Jeter thought. He was happy too! Now Jeter finally realized that even though there wasn’t any tree or ornaments –no shiny sun – no delicious Christmas stew. Jeter hadn’t stopped Christmas at all. Tim saw Jeter and said “Hey Jeterman! Merry Chistmas! Come on in!” Everyone joined in: “Merry Christmas Jeter!” “Merry Christmas Jeter!” The other dog Rocket howled and Xander barked happily. Jeter continued to stare in disbelief. Now my dear readers. I did warn you – didn’t I? You can’t whine and cry “Lemony, why didn’t you tell me?” I did. You could have turned back at any time and been spared the awful truth. If this had been another kitten-mitten-ball of yarn- Christmas tale, our Jeter may have joined everyone in the den, his heart tripling in size, filled with the unconditional unstoppable love of his family and the spirit of Christmas. But it is not that story. You see our dear cat Jeter, after finally closing his horrified little mouth, sighed and turned his tail on them. If they were smart enough to understand cat language – they may have heard something that sounded like “Harummph!” Jeter shook
his head and walked back upstairs, leaving the nauseatingly peppy
little group. Late that night, when all the guests had gone home and Xander was sleeping peacefully in his crate dreaming doggy dreams, Tim and Nicolle came upstairs. Jeter stared at them from the corner of the room. Tim and Nicolle both ruffled his fur and wished him Merry Christmas again. Then they climbed into bed and turned out the lights. Finally, Jeter crawled into bed beside them. He curled into his usual ball nestled in Nicolle’s hair. The night was quiet and peaceful at last. Jeter sighed and smiled. Maybe they were sappy sloppy sentimental humans. But they were his humans. And he loved them anyway.
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