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"Vive La Difference"
(5/17/97)
Starring:
Carmel - Tracey Ullman
Vic - Michael Cerveris
Ray - John Synder
Drummer - Tom Dugan
Written by Mark Flanagan
Directed by Penny Marshall
"Vive La
Difference"
Julie:
<finishing song>
... where the party goes on forever!
The band leaves the stage unenthusiastically
Julie:
So - hey - did I get the gig or what?
Dan:
Hey you don't cut it man!
We wrote the song for a chick
and you're into a whole dude thing!
Julie:
Oh yeah. Well I don't care.
You're not gonna find anybody better
than me coz if they were better than me
they wouldn't be singing for you wusses.
Hey - you guys - you got the littlest amps
in rock!
She
leaves.
Dan: <yells>
Hey - send in the next meat!
The next auditioner pokes her head in the door
Carmel :
Hi Guys! I guess I'm the next auditioner.
Carmel Pinkum. You fella's are?
Vic:
Are you for real?
Carmel:
Well my daddy says I'm an angel sent from
heaven but I think I got here the regular way.
Vic:
Whoa!
Carmel:
Let me tell you about my job experience ok?
Vic:
Do it from a phone!
Ray:
Hey Hey Hey- be nice hammerhead!
He throws something at Vic and it hits both
Vic and Dan.
Dan:
Hey! I wasn't doing anything!
Vic sprays Ray with something and Dan throws things at him.
They're laughing.
Carmel:
That's good group spirit!
I sure miss the tom-foolery
I had with my old group!
Ray:
Oh yeah, who were they?
The seven dwarves?
Vic gives him five
Carmel:
No. It was the Nice Neighbors.
People for positivity!
Vic:
Let's cut to the bone babe.
I mean, you're not for us.
We're looking for a real bitch.
Carmel:
Well, I can be that.
I can be a..the "b" word.
Vic:
Forget it!
Carmel:
Please give me a chance!
Ray:
Oh come on! I'm curious!
Here's the lyrics. <handing them to her>
Now we wanna see something really nasty ok?
She goes over to the microphone.
The band gets onstage and starts playing heavy metalish beat.
Dan:
Sing! Now! Noow! Bimbo!
Carmel:
Life's a bitch and then you die.
Then you go to hell and cry.
<breaking into a showtune style>
But that's just what I'm waiting for..
I'm gonna party. Paaarty! Party!
The band leaves the stage in disgust.
Carmel:
Paaarty in hell. Party!
Ray:
<covering her microphone with his hand>
Get lost!
Carmel:
I don't care that I didn't get this
inferior job. It's why I didn't get it
that peeves me so!
<She breaking into another showtune type song>
I'm different and I don't care who knows it.
There's something about me that's not the same yeah.
I'm different and that's how it goes.
Not gonna play no gosh darn games!
<The Band goes back to onstage and joins in with instrumental
accompaniment and backup>
Got a different way of walking. Got a different kinda smile.
Gotta different way of talking. Drive the guys kinda wild
Band:
Kinda wild! She's different!
Carmel:
And I don't care who knows it!
Band:
There's something about her...
Carmel:
That's not the same yeah!
Band:
She's different..
Carmel:
And that's how it goes yeah!
Band:
She's not gonna play these gosh darn games!
Carmel:
I'm not saying that I'm better then you are..
Ray sticks his tongue at her in a sneer
Carmel:
but maybe I am...
I only know that when I look in the mirror .
I like who I am!
Band:
She likes who she am!
Carmel:
When I walk down the street in the morning
Bluebirds are singing in the tall tall trees.
They sing a song for the people
Sing a little song for me
Band:
La La La La La LA LA LA!!!
Carmel:
I'm different and I don't care who knows it.
There's something about me that's not the same yeah.
I'm different and that's how it goes.
I ain't gonna play no
Band: Carmel: Gosh Gosh! Darn Darn! Games Games!
Carmel leaves.
Dan:
Am I crazy or was she kinda hot?
The band groan & throw things at him.